I remember September. The month of my birthday, the 13th. The month I would celebrate the day I arrived earth side in 1981. I remember parties, laughter, fun, celebration and reflection over the years.
I remember last September the 13th. Sitting outside in the sunshine on our property while my partner did some gardening, I journaled , drew and worked on the book I was making for my baby. I remember thinking and talking about how strange it was that this would be my last birthday without my baby earth side with me.
This September marks 6 months since Kai Phoenix, my precious baby boy, was born sleeping. It marks the day his heart stopped beating and my heart broke. It marks the day all I believed was shattered. It marks the day the world, my life, I changed forever.
As I enter September 2016 I am certainly reflecting and I know there will be laughter, but this is not the way I saw my life. I imagined I would be cuddling my little one, having cake and singing. I imagined I would be thinking about how much my life and I have changed since becoming a mother. While this is true, this is not the change I imagined or ever dreamed of. Instead this year I imagine what might have been. I cry and miss and long for my precious son. I do what I can to pick up the pieces of myself, my life that still make some level of sense.
While I remain open to the possibility that in the future I will be able to celebrate again….
This September, I will cry.
This September. I will grieve, I will mourn.
This September I will long for the baby I love with every ounce of my being.
Before I left school I was asked what I wanted to do, all I could answer was “I want to make people happy”. At that time I didn’t know how but was blessed with a teacher that helped me start down a path that has seen me meet so many beautiful people from so many walks of life. 
